Rain.

Thoughts by Aud is exactly what the title says. The blog posts here are full of thoughts and the thoughts come from yours truly, Aud.

Alright, so life has been really good lately. But, I have this feeling like I’m stagnant. Well, maybe not entirely but I am getting there. I have adventures coming. They will be amazing and they will help me grow. I hope one of the includes finding someone my soul jives with.

I really miss having what I thought was someone who understood me. I know understand he didn’t, but at least at the time I thought he did. My mind is a huge ocean filled with different things. That why I have a blog dedicated to thoughts for crying out loud.

It would just be cool to be able to meet and get to know someone who loves me exactly the way I am. The flawed, emotional, enthusiastic, strong, caring, human being I strive to be every single day of my life.

For so long, I thought all the flaws I have made me someone who was never going to be good enough. Guess what? I wasn’t good enough. Guess what else? Thank God I wasn’t. I’m free. I’ve grown. I’m strong. That doesn’t mean anyone deserves a thank you or a pat on the back for the way I was treated, but it doesn’t mean I have to hold onto like holding onto is going to make it any less painful. It won’t. It has jagged and sharp edges like those of a glass plate knocked off the counter and shattered into a million pieces. The more you touch it, the more it makes you bleed. I don’t have time to bleed anymore.

I do, however, have time to love. I thought for the longest time I would never get to the point again where I would be able to see myself loving someone romantically. It made me want to throw up just to think about it. Then, started imagining children. Now, here’s the part where I tell you that I have wanted to be a mother since I was five years old. No one pushed it on me, it has always just been something I have wanted to be. I would even become a stay-at-home mom for my children. Once I started imagining pig tails, barbie dolls, trucks, cars, and everything in between, I realized these children need a father. As much as I want a child, I want my child to have a loving and caring father figure. I want them to have a father who loves their mother and vice versa. I want the mother and father to have together. I just want the family to be able to get through things together.

I realize in my last relationship, that never would have happened. Ever. One reason why I am glad I ended it. Control the narrative, right? haha.

I just want love, respect, honor, patience, perseverance and strength. And, I want to also be able to provide those things. It doesn’t have to be in the name of a God or deity, just out of care for the person standing in front of me. Simple, right?

Why can’t we care about people just to care about them? Why do we have to do it for something or someone else? I just want to care about my husband because he is kind, gentle, strong, hard working, funny, loving. I just want to care about him because he is him, not because I feel like I have to do so to please someone else.

I just want love, and I also want to give it.

 

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