One country song at a time.
I remember. I was driving my car. The sun was picking through the clouds, like it couldn’t decide if it wanted to come out or not.
That’s how I felt. I was doing better. I was only crying every now and then at this point. But I still felt like something was holding me back, like I would try and try to be happy and everything but it just was authentic yet.
Everything felt like an almost. I was almost happy. I was almost content. I almost over the feeling of having wasted my love.
Was it wasted? Is love something you can waste? I am now aware that is possible to say it and not actually mean it. But that’s not wasting it because it’s not there. If it’s there and you give it to someone doesn’t take care of it, did you waste it? Did it do some good or did it just sit there trying to do something but not being able to?
I asked myself that so many times. I was pissed at myself for wasting so much time, for being so stupid to not see that I wasn’t being loved at all.
Someone asked me once if I had ever been in love.
I’d say no. Because that takes two people feeling the same way. That takes two pretty strong individuals. It takes turning towards whatever comes at you. It isn’t for cowards, that’s for damn sure.
So I bet you are wondering, did she ever answer her own question?
I did waste my love. The good news is, I have a lot of it still inside me and I have a lot of people who give it to me.
It kind of feels like I won a prize. It feels like that for a year of my life, I was fighting just to stay afloat. I was fighting for attention I was never going to get, for love I was never going to receive.
You know why it’s okay? Because you’re sitting somewhere reading this.
I literally was able to write this out. All of these blogs that describe this situation. I turned toward the storm and faced it. I grieved it, cursed it, hated it, and loved it.
I want you to know it does get better. It doesn’t hurt as much. You can just scroll past the photos. You can stop comparing something that isn’t comparable by any means.
You will survive and you are allowed to tell your story however you want to. I’ve realized that part of healing is getting it out through talking or writing.
You are worth a lot more than you realize. You are intelligent, fierce, strong, loving and passionate. No one can take that away from you no matter how a hard they try.
My favorite country song came on and I said to myself “One country song at a time.”
And you know what? The sun came out from behind that cloud and hit my face as a tear went down my face.